Friday, December 22, 2006

Meg's Book - Chapter 4 - The Blessing

Trivia - The blessing described in this chapter really happened. However, I have no idea who looked at whom and what people may have thought. Most of the other blessings described in this book are fiction.

12 comments:

KTB said...

The bottom paragraph of page 18 was a little confusing. I had to read that three times to understand that Don Carlos soiled his diaper and was crying as a result. Since I have changed many a diaper in my time, I think maybe that could be phrased a little differently to be more easily understood.

MH said...

I accidentally read Chapter 5 before reading Chapter 4 and was really confused...

Please expand what happens to Elvira in Chapter 4 - just having her think "No!" isn't enough.

ktb said...

That Chapter 4 revision is a pretty graphic paragraph Meg! I could almost smell it myself. It is now crystal clear.

"In an instant, Elvira was on her feet. As she peeked into the room, she saw Emma holding Don Carlos away from herself, the yellow stain clear on the back of his outfit. Elvira quietly made her way to where Emma sat and held out her hands to take the fussing infant. Emma looked up with a slight smile and sniffed meaningfully as Elvira took Don Carlos from her hands."

daughterofheaven said...

Here is the section in Chapter 4 that I rewrote - let me know if you think this does it:
____________

Father Smith's hands were laid on Brother Joseph's head. Elvira heard him saying, "You will live long enough to accomplish the work the Lord has ordained for you on this earth."

To her astonishment, she saw that Joseph was weeping. In a moment the blessing was over, and she heard Joseph ask, "Oh, will I, Father?" Elvira realized she was staring just as Joseph's eyes found hers, held hers, his lips parted.

Joseph will be your husband. It was not the words she heard in her mind that took her by surprise so much as the gut-wrenching thrill that ran through her. She was suddenly light-headed. She tore her eyes away and searched for Emma.

Emma was sitting across the room, looking at her father-in-law, tears streaming down her face. Elvira kept her eyes looking only at Emma as she handed her Don Carlos and then fled the room.

Back in the kitchen, she picked Mary up and cradled her close. She shut her eyes and made sure she was breathing in a way to calm her racing heart.

"Are you all right, Sister Elvira?" Jonathan put his hand on her shoulder.

Elvira struggled to think of something that would account for her agitation without sounding entirely crazy. "Father Smith talked about Brother Joseph's death." She inhaled deeply. Death was a plausible reason for being shaken. Better than the fear that Joseph had understood what had passed through her mind when they had looked at each other. Was this why he had suggested she leave with her father? Had he known then what she had only realized tonight? She dimly heard someone talking near her.

"Sisser 'vira. No be sad." Sarah's soft hand pulled at her skirts. Elvira opened her eyes, handed Mary to Jonathan, then hoisted Sarah to sit at her waist, hugging her tight as she rocked from side to side and cried into the girl's hair.

mh said...

Yes!
:) much better!

Pat said...

I agree that your revisions strengthen the story. Waiting too long for Elvira to reveal what she had 'heard' after Joseph's blessing really makes her seem a little goony and maybe too young to be a 'governess'. On the other hand, you might be more definite in establishing the difference between Joseph's brother Don Carlos and his infant son.

PCH said...
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jl said...

I LOVE YOUR BOOK!!!! It is so interesting and, thankfully, an easy read for me. Would you please send me everything you've sent out so far, and then put me on your standard e-mail list. Thanks for going to all the trouble you have to accommodate people (me).

wbs said...

Does she visit her family, as you indicated she would in the prior chapter?

Alma wasn't on his deathbed (he did wander out into the wilderness and was never seen again...)

I read the edited version, but I would like to see even more explanation of her reaction when she understands that Joseph will be her husband.

By the way, I am really enjoying the book -

phc said...

Given the time and circumstances Elvira could only think the premonition (becoming Joseph's wife) would mean that Emma would die. As her good friend and mentor, Emma had her devotion and admiration. The thought that Joseph would become a widower would have terrified Elvira. I can see her discovering a possible explanation in the scriptures and
then being puzzled and tantalized. While polygamy was abhorrent to her Yankee sensibility, the death of her friend would be a much worse prospect. This could have made her more receptive to the idea of becoming Joseph’s plural wife. Better far that than that Emma die to fulfill the prophetic
insight.

dd said...

"preternaturally" - don't know what this means.

"his lips parted." - this makes Joseph seem somewhat lustful, the phrase his lips parted – what emotion or meaning is there in the fact that his lips were parted?

da, da, da, daaaaaa…….the plot thickens and it is becoming a page turner now….

las said...

Sigh. I wish I weren’t such a Mormon reader, but I’m wishing for chapter footnotes, so I’ll know what’s “true” and what “isn’t,” even though you’ve written a perfectly true chapter, whether or not it’s fiction.

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